To Erik:
Hey. I love you. Haven't I proved it over the three years plus we've been together? And you tell me that you love me. I had believed you over some time. Now I just feel as if it is words just spitting out of your mouth. I was stupid to believe you really did love me. And I am still stupid sticking around, thinking it'll be best for our baby.
Now you tell me that you don't love me, you will leave me as soon as our baby is born, that I'm annoying. You ignore me and blame me, but when you do something wrong or on accident you perfect. You threaten me that you will hurt me, especially over something stupid, like me playing with you and you get angry. You scream and yell at me and tell me things that really hurt, like I'm a failure, a bitch, and so on. You know exactly what you tell me. You hurt me by also saying this, "I feel sorry for you when you say things you want in our future because I know were not going to be together" and "I say to myself, 'It's ok Erik, you don't have that long to go until the baby is born, then you can leave her' ".
Then when you tell me these things, you know it hurts me. When I choose to cry or talk back, I'm not allowed to. I'm so annoying and you can't wait to leave me. I can't even mumble anything to myself, and when I do its "What did you say?!" and I reply I was talking to myself, and you say "Whats with the attitude, God, I am just asking".
There was so many chances I had to leave you and you to leave me, but you didn't and I didn't. I thought it was because we loved eachother. I really don't know what you want. I was always the one trying to fix things between us, even if you did it, which was most of the time, like cheating on me. I was the one to fix it, and I was the one to always apologize and come back to you! And you always took me in. WHY?
All I really wanted was to be happy. You took my happiness 3 years ago , Erik. The days you would tell me to stop being so happy all the time. I did everything for you, and you always tell me that I've never done anything for you. I attempted suicide, I turned my family against me, any money I had went to you, I went out of my way to make you happy, to get you gifts for Xmas and your birthday. I went to YOU after YOU got in a fight with MY brother! No one wants me to be with you, yet I still choose you over everyone! Why? Because I love you! But you do not see anything I do, only what you want to see.
Erik, I wanted to be your everything, the prettiest girl in your eyes, the one you wanted to spend the rest of you life with, bear children with, and just be happy together. But I've gotten nothing of that from you. Oh well, yeah we are having a baby together, but it wasn't planned, and your leaving me after the birth. I'm the last on your list. You do not like spending time with me. You enjoy being with everyone else but me. It is so hard for me to leave on my own. I love you so much. I just don't know what to do. I'm miserable everyday. Like you have that feeling of wanting me gone everyday, I have the feeling of being miserable and depressed everyday, even when I don't show it.
Even now all I want to do is "fix it". But I cannot think of anything to do. I lost. And feeling this hurts so much. It hurts to lose your everything, something you worked on for a long time, someone you held so close and held so high. It just hurts. But you wouldn't know that feeling, now would you? Our relationship is one-sided. Its been like this. I tried and failed. And we both know your only supporting me for the baby. That means alot to me but still, I am no body to you. I am not the one you love or want to be with. I am not the prettiest girl in your eyes, I am not your future. I am just the mother of your child who you believe to be annoying, a failure, and a bitch.
Throughout all of this, Erik, I still love you.
Love,
Anna.
