My Heartache.

To Erik:

    Hey.  I love you. Haven't I proved it over the three years plus we've been together? And you tell me that you love me. I had believed you over some time. Now I just feel as if it is words just spitting out of your mouth. I was stupid to believe you really did love me. And I am still stupid sticking around, thinking it'll  be best for our baby.
  
    Now you tell me that you don't love me, you will leave me as soon as our baby is born, that I'm annoying. You ignore me and blame me, but when you do something wrong or on accident you perfect. You threaten me that you will hurt me, especially over something stupid, like me playing with you and you get angry. You scream and yell at me and tell me things that really hurt, like I'm a failure, a bitch, and so on. You know exactly what you tell me. You hurt me by also saying this, "I feel sorry for you when you say things you want in our future because I know were not going to be together" and "I say to myself, 'It's ok Erik, you don't have that long to go until the baby is born, then you can leave her' ".

    Then when you tell me these things, you know it hurts me. When I choose to cry or talk back, I'm not allowed to. I'm so annoying and you can't wait to leave me. I can't even mumble anything to myself, and when I do its "What did you say?!" and I reply I was talking to myself, and you say "Whats with the attitude, God, I am just asking".

    There was so many chances I had to leave you and you to leave me, but you didn't and I didn't. I thought it was because we loved eachother. I really don't know what you want. I was always the one trying to fix things between us, even if you did it, which was most of the time, like cheating on me. I was the one to fix it, and I was the one to always apologize and come back to you! And you always took me in. WHY?

    All I really wanted was to be happy. You took my happiness 3 years ago , Erik. The days you would tell me to stop being so happy all the time. I did everything for you, and you always tell me that I've never done anything for you. I attempted suicide, I turned my family against me, any money I had went to you, I went out of my way to make you happy, to get you gifts for Xmas and your birthday. I went to YOU after YOU got in a fight with MY brother! No one wants me to be with you, yet I still choose you over everyone! Why? Because I love you! But you do not see anything I do, only what you want to see.

   Erik, I wanted to be your everything, the prettiest girl in your eyes, the one you wanted to spend the rest of you life with, bear children with, and just be happy together. But I've gotten nothing of that from you. Oh well, yeah we are having a baby together, but it wasn't planned, and your leaving me after the birth. I'm the last on your list. You do not like spending time with me. You enjoy being with everyone else but me. It is so hard for me to leave on my own. I love you so much. I just don't know what to do. I'm miserable everyday. Like you have that feeling of wanting me gone everyday, I have the feeling of being miserable and depressed everyday, even when I don't show it.

    Even now all I want to do is "fix it". But I cannot think of anything to do. I lost. And feeling this hurts so much. It hurts to lose your everything, something you worked on for a long time, someone you held so close and held so high. It just hurts. But you wouldn't know that feeling, now would you? Our relationship is one-sided. Its been like this. I tried and failed. And we both know your only supporting me for the baby. That means alot to me but still, I am no body to you. I am not the one you love or want to be with. I am not the prettiest girl in your eyes, I am not your future. I am just the mother of your child who you believe to be annoying, a failure, and a bitch.



Throughout all of this, Erik, I still love you.

                                                                                               Love,
                                                                                                 Anna.

Topic: Erik

I don't know what to do, where to go, who to turn to. I just cry and cry, my heart is really hurting. I love him, but  it's over now. Since July 4, 2007, on and off. But we've been fighting all the time now. It really hurts me so bad when he say he is falling out love with me, that he's stuck with me because I am pregnant with his kid, but after the baby is born, it's over. He tells me to not bring people in our problems, but he tell his friend he is going to leave me after the baby is born. And that is really embarrassing.

What am I to do? I'm always depressed, I don't feel my life going anywhere. How is my baby going to be happy if I'm not. Especially having nothing, how can I provide for my child. How can my own child be able to love me if I am who I am? I don't know what to do. It's hard to set my mind and acknowledge that I have no one. I'm poor and homeless. I don't know how I'll make it in this world. I don't want to give up my child, but what can I do?

I'm a worthless nobody. Who wants a mother that is a worthless nobody? How can I go on. I try and try all the time, my best is not good enough. I'm only a failure. I failed to be a good girlfriend, I failed at everything, like school and work, and I'm bound to fail everything else, like being a mother. I just don't feel anyone cares, I'm always pushed away. Even at times I feel lonely, I try to talk to someone, but I'm always shut down. I feel alone, unworthy of love and happiness.

Why can't I be someone? Anyone but myself? I hate myself and the life I live. Why didn't God just take me when I tried killing my self? Why make me miserable? I was bound to be unhappy I know, ever since what happened with my dad. I wish this was all a horrible nightmare, but it's not.

It's all real. I am worthless and a nobody, unworthy of love, happiness, and everything else. It's me all on my own.